4 Simple Ways To Support Those That Just Feel "Icky"
It was my 40th birthday and instead of celebrating a milestone I was contemplating suicide. I look back to one of the darkest nights of my life. I was overseas for work on a global launch and 2 hours before media were due to arrive, I was googling how to kill myself.
I don’t think you just “arrive” to this place. Mine was built up perhaps over a series of shitty life events, a pretty difficult childhood, depression, a divorce, a move to a very foreign country and a new job with a very different working culture - all just some of the elements that perhaps had culminated to that specific moment. My shoulders were heavy and I could not be brave any longer. I was tired, I was numb, but most importantly I felt like I was just done with all the "shit". There is a misconception that those that are depressed don’t function at all and while there certainly are those cases, I was still functioning on the surface - albeit barely. What I was portraying to the world was not what I was feeling and it made me feel like a fraud.
The launch was a success, everyone celebrated and I went back to my hotel room confused and tired about my feelings and where my head was at. I spent hours crying on the phone and the person on the other side just listened. They reminded me that I have purpose and meaning and if I just hung through this for one more night we would be able to see how I feel tomorrow and tackle the day again.
It was after this intense, snotty nosed and mascara run eyed evening that I knew I needed help as this “thing” was way bigger than me. It was not something I could just run through, sleep though, work through or drink through. I needed to punch the darkness in its face as I wanted so desperately to feel whole again. I was encouraged by some good people to head back home to be around safe, caring & loving people – the thing is – that never happened. I was let down incredibly and while I did not expect the world to stop for me, I guess I expected some kind of love and support and perhaps an acknowledgement of the seriousness of the situation. After a very difficult time back home, I headed back to Japan.
While I sat 30 000 feet up and had some time to process my time back home – It hit me – I remember that moment as much as I remember the night I turned 40. “No - one is there to save you and you have to save yourself”, plus to be honest I was also tired of feeling so shitty and pretending I was fine. If there was ever a time to be so bored of your kak it was this moment. I also realised blood is not thicker than water and some people have more good intentions for you then the people you have known a lifetime. These were my people – the good people, that stepped up, rose to the occasion when no one else would and loved me so hard, more so when I could not love myself and more so when I was probably very unlovable.
Fast forward to today and plenty .... and I mean plenty of personal inner work, trauma healing and emotional processing was done (plus medication did help too and no you should not be ashamed to say as such). I now have so much hope, love, compassion, drive and gratitude, things that I think have always been part of me but got lost for a while when I lost myself. I know and believe with everything in my heart that everything happens for me and not too me and that the dark contrast experienced just makes me appreciate the light more.This has been a life changer. We have this one life, the here and the now and I want to make sure I live it as largely and authentically as possible, even if it makes others uncomfortable. I want to give back love in ways I have only been blessed enough to receive and I want to make sure I live to my fullest potential and in turn remind others of the potential inside them - plus I never want any human to feel the way I felt that night. Ever.
So how can you support someone who is feeling suicidal, depressed or just down right shitty?
1.Be Kind
I had a person who checked in with me daily who sadly ended up dying 3 months after I arrived in Japan. She was my guardian angel. I doubt she will ever know the impact she had on me. I knew her, not that well, but enough. I guess she had the intuition and awareness of my silent suffering. I never told her. She never asked – but she did a daily check in – religiously. I received small messages of encouragement and hope, reminders that I am strong and that “you have this”. And then it suddenly stopped – no more messages. My guardian angel had passed away suddenly in hospital after a terrible fall in her apartment. I cried so much for her loss and for myself (selfishly) as my cheerleader was gone. I now had to cheer for myself but I know that is what she would have wanted for me anyway and what she was trying to tell me over all those many messages. So where am I going with this - Never underestimate the power of small gestures - ever. They literally can be life changing.
2.Just Listen – without judgement
Sometimes your person might want to speak about it and maybe they don’t. It is natural to want to give advice, but I think when you in this place you generally know what you should be doing. You just literally can’t. It’s like your mind is stuck in a vortex. I can’t tell you how many times I heard “not to play the victim”, “choose positivity” and to “pull my shit together” – something I can promise you I was trying to daily. Perhaps all were meant with good intentions, but I can assure you the last thing someone needs is the added pressure of something else they feel to be “failing” at. Listen, do let them know you are concerned, you care and when they are ready to talk – you are there for them with no judgements at all. Less judgements. More Kindness.
3.Monitor and offer support
If you are seriously concerned, do let them know how you are feeling .Offer a safe space and while you are not a medical professional, if perhaps one is needed, an offer to take your person to the clinic or meet them even afterwards goes a long way.
4.Just Show Up and Be Present
I can’t tell you how many times I never wanted to burden anyone with my “problems” but I had one or two people that just showed up and were present regardless of the situation. Sometimes when times are tough, people only know how to deal the best way they know how - by retreating. Fear of not knowing what to say, or how to handle “this” is very natural and well understood. I have lost some friends, but gained others. People can surprise you – and it’s usually the ones you least expect it from that show up and fight in your corner with you. While I never felt I was shown support from the places I was expecting it to come from, it showed up regardless. Be that person. Just Be Love.
In closing, what I do know, whether you have contemplated suicide, been depressed or feeling good right this very moment is that "Happiness" is like a muscle – it needs to be consciously worked on daily, even when you don’t feel like it. You need to be in safe and loving spaces, practice good choices and surround yourselves with people that support, inspire and cheer for you when some days you can’t cheer for yourself – because human, you are so worth it! You are a warrior and I am here to tell you – that when all else fails, there is light at the end of the tunnel, even if you have to light that mother furker up yourself!
** Everyone is different and everyone responds differently. This is just a very small snapshot into a fraction of my journey and what I personally experienced. This is always such a sensitive topic and while I am not a doctor (and I would advise you or anyone you know and loves seek professional help) I will be happy to give you context to my experience and support where I can - feel free to just reach out!**
